A love letter to myself (1)

You’re too good for someone who isn’t sure about you.

R. H. Sin

All of Me by John Legend

Dear future Nate,

Please remember why did D broke up with you, he couldn’t trust you. And please remember he wouldn’t adjust for you. He tried to break up with you numerous times during the less than 5 month dating with you. Every time your heart was ripped. He will just break your heart again if you go back to him. He is a nice guy, and he loved you but you don’t deserve each other. He deserve someone who has the power and resource he wants. You deserve someone loves you without fear, someone who would take a leap of faith to be with you, who cherish you and respect you as a partner in life. XOXO.

Love, Nate

Second hook up curse

maxresdefaultI met this gay from a sex party. We had amazing sex in the party. Later I posted anonymously that I hope to meet him again. Quiet coincidently he found the post, and we reconnected.

We texted a lot about how we like to have fun in bed before we actually met. Finally, we met again. Sex was good, but not as good as last time. I felt pain because of the size of his tool. I didn’t know why I didn’t feel that at the party. The pain made me think of my ex. And I felt sadness again. I’m still thinking of him, living without him only makes me missing him more, yet he had moved on, having another boyfriend. It’s not even convenient to message him as he didn’t want to hurt his boy!

On my way home, I got a message from another guy initiating a hook up. Not a good timing! I started to regret about the reconnecting. Maybe because the fact this guy has a husband makes me more self-pity,  maybe because I had this second hook up curse, the excitement and freshness is gone, both physically and emotionally, as I learned that I would be mere a fuck buddy. Deep down I am still hopelessly romantic! My situation is kind of a mess now! Hook up seems to be a short cut for fun,  yet the sadness went back with a bigger magnitude soon after that!

I couldn’t focus on working, so I opened Netflix and spent the rest of the afternoon and the whole evening watching the TV series “The House of Flowers”. When I finished season 1, there is no more new episode. Diego finally left Julián with a broken heart and took the money that was supposed to save Julián’s father from rotting in jail! How tragic! They loved each other so much yet were stabbing each other in the back! I totally understand why Diego was so crossed! Yet I felt so sorry for Julián. He might be as accused by Diego, childish and self-centered. Yet he love Diego from the bottom of his heart and was growing to try to make the relationship work. He went back to the threesome experience to distract from his sadness only to find this makes him found “It’s Diego’s curse”! And Diego, the lover he fought so hard to be with, left him. The screenwriter might make him return, but in real life “Diego’s curse” could be for good!

I don’t know how long my “Diego’s curse” would last.

Rent a room

I was considering moving out. So I changed my profile tile to “Room needed to rent” in the social app. For weeks nobody sent anything relevant to rental. Most of them were just looking for fun. The next day after My first date after I contracted HIV.

I got a message from a handsome middle-aged man later I knew from his Instagram that his name was S. He is 46, 11 years old than me. His profile photo was a handsome face with charming eyes. His message was direct. He said he has a room for me and hopefully can have fun with his roommate.

I knew I shouldn’t have replied, but I did anyway. I then learned he had never had a boyfriend. I told his wouldn’t mind dating him but I will not share my boyfriend.

I didn’t tell him I like him and wanted to have fun with him too. But I knew I wouldn’t have intercourses with him because my status and I wouldn’t let him know because I wasn’t sure if he is serious about having a long time relationship because he never did.

We scheduled the showing for Monday, but S texted me on Sunday and asked if I could come over. I drove to his place an hour later. The house is spotless with luxurious renovation. The room is small but I have a private bathroom just next to the room. One thing that is odd is all rooms are with no curtain. We chatted and I suggested it’s time for filling up the rental lease form, so we went up to his bedroom where his laptop is. It was then things change subtly.

I sat at his bed and filled the form. It was a long form. It might take an hour to fill all the information but in the middle of filling the form I kissed him. Maybe he is just too cute, or I was too lonely…

We kissed and cuddled for a long time and he tried to enter me but I didn’t let him. I like him but I don’t want to lose him. Damn the disclosure rule!

I went to see him the next morning. This time he tried to let me enter him but I didn’t. He cummed on me at the end and we cuddled and fell asleep again. I tried to kiss him again, but he said he didn’t like it anymore as he already had the fun.

In the morning of the day I was supposed to move in, I received a message from him, saying his mother is moving back in two weeks and sorry he couldn’t have a tenant. This is a lame excuse as his mother just went back to his home country the night before we met. I asked if we would see each other again or date he said he didn’t like kissing so we wouldn’t be a match.